I have not seen the Barbie movie yet, but based upon online comments of people who are mad about it (“Disappointingly low T from Ken,” complained Rep. Matt Gaetz’s spouse, Ginger Gaetz; “they’re trying to kiss up to the Chinese Communist Party,” complained Sen. Ted Cruz; “All you need to know about #BarbietheMovie is that it unironically uses the word ‘patriarchy’ more than 10 times,” complained Ben Shapiro), here is how I think it goes.
EXTERIOR BARBIE’S DREAM HOUSE — DAY
The lawn sign outside reads “In this house we believe ALL MEN MUST DIE” in pink six times.
Barbie wakes up and stretches.
KEN: Hiya, Barbie!
BARBIE: Hi, Ken! I despise all men, and I have come to take away everyone’s testosterone! Even the testosterone of those people who are using and enjoying it.
KEN: Good! It is bad that I exist! Please, Barbie, I would like to be burned at the stake to set an example!
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BARBIE: No, Ken! How dare you suggest appropriating witch culture! Furthermore, it would release chemicals into the atmosphere, something that is bad to do and I oppose. I want America’s coal and gas industries to die! But first, all men.
KEN: Good. All men deserve to perish because of the patriarchy, which is something we each are doing every day, individually, and could stop whenever we wanted. If any little boy is watching this movie now, I want him to know (stares directly, dead-eyed into camera) you should hate yourself.
BARBIE: That’s right! I am not complaining about systems but about individuals! Now, come admire my map, which is propaganda for China.
KEN: China is the best place to live!
EXTERIOR BARBIE DREAM HOUSE — DAY
Barbie stands on the balcony watching a parade of pink-clad troops salute her.
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BARBIE: It was so nice of China to loan me this army — and billions of dollars. Everyone, enjoy your Bud Lights! It’s mandatory.
The army raises their Buds Light in salute.
A helicopter, making its trademark “brrrrrr” noise through pursed lips, lands on the roof.
BARBIE’S AIDE DE CAMP: Barbie, I greet you with news of victory! We have just destroyed the institution of marriage!
BARBIE: Incredible! Already?
BARBIE’S AIDE DE CAMP: Now we are making inroads into the blue aisle of toys! Marvel and Star Wars toys and anything with a magnet in it will be next. Any franchise that dares to include a male protagonist will soon know our wrath.
BARBIE: And “Oppenheimer”?
BARBIE’S AIDE DE CAMP: We are making progress there as well. Soon, no stories will be allowed to be about boys.
BARBIE: Good. I want them all wiped out. We will salt the earth and start fresh.
EXTERIOR PLAYROOM — DAY
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A little boy reaches for a Barbie doll.
BARBIE: How dare you!
BOY: I just wanted to admire how Barbie is a doctor.
BARBIE: That’s not allowed. You sit in the corner and think about what you did.
BOY: What did I do?
BARBIE: You did the patriarchy.
The boy sits in the corner, sad.
BARBIE: Now give a raise to all women.
BOY: I am not in charge of raises. I am seven.
BARBIE: Silence, Man!
On the map, the pink is spreading. Australia has almost vanished.
INTERIOR BARBIE’S NIGHTMARE HOUSE — DAY
Raggedy Ann and Andy are being marched into separate dungeons. A Potato Head family is being mashed for daring to break fraternization rules. “Run the World (Girls)” blasts and Captain America is forced to dance along.
BARBIE: Now, to destroy the family!
KEN: Barbie, must we destroy the family?
BARBIE: Yes, Ken, we must, and for asking that question I will pop off your plastic head and strew your torso around willy-nilly. It’s a slippery slope! Slippery and plastic!
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Ken screams as they come for him.
Across the map, the pink tide is spreading. The ocean is now pink. Every book with a male protagonist is thrown onto a heaping bonfire. Movies are next.
BARBIE’S FRIEND: Do we have to destroy “Lawrence of Arabia” and “Casablanca”?
BARBIE: They were Bechdel tested. They were found wanting.
BARBIE’S FRIEND: Not everything has to be —
BARBIE: Silence!
A pink heel steps on a human face, forever.
INTERIOR BARBIE’S DREAM HOUSE — DANCE FLOOR
Barbie and her friends dance, shouting to be heard over the music. All around them are the plastic heads and torsos of a variety of decommissioned Kens.
PRESIDENT BARBIE: I decree men illegal!
BARBIE: I hate the American way of life! I hope I was manufactured abroad!
MIDGE, BARBIE’S PREGNANT FRIEND: Heterosexuality was God’s greatest mistake.
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BARBIE: There is no God. I killed Him.
They dance even more vigorously.
BARBIE’S FRIEND: Wait, Barbie, if we have outlawed men, why do we still look like this?
BARBIE: We don’t.
Lightning strikes. Thunder crashes. Barbie’s plastic skin begins to crack. Something is hatching. It scuttles out into the pink darkness. It has 20 pairs of legs, and it is both wet and not wet. Everywhere, all the shells of the Barbies are hatching and something is slouching toward Bethlehem to be born.
BARBIE-THING: ALSO, I DISAPPROVE OF THE FILMS OF ZACK SNYDER!
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